Consider the plight of the disciple Thomas who doubted whether Jesus had really conquered death. He was of two minds, wanting to believe but unable to comprehend how Jesus’ resurrection could really be true. This is the trauma of doubt as one mind is pulled in two different directions.
It brings to mind the situation faced by twin adult women in Minnesota, born with a rare condition in which they share a single body. One twin controls the right leg and arm, while the other controls the left side of the body. Considering difficulties, they would face when disagreement over which direction to move, illustrates graphically the reality of doubt in any human life. Doubt paralyzes anyone with the tension of wanting to believe something and yet not believing at the same time. That leads to paralysis as it is like having two minds at the same time and wondering which will finally succeed in taking the next step.
Thomas was the only disciple who had not seen the risen Jesus and couldn’t comprehend what he was being told about the other disciples’ who had dined with Jesus a week earlier when Thomas was not with them. His doubts pulled him in two directions at the same time. He couldn’t decide what to believe as he wanted the story to be true but couldn’t imagine how it could be. He was full of doubt, which is another way to say he was of two minds! Which mind would wind up controlling his next step?
If Thomas tended to be a doubter, I wonder why Jesus didn’t wait for him to be with the group before he showed them his hands and feet? Why wasn’t the guy who most needed to see and touch (to erase his doubts) in the right place at the right time? And for that matter, where are we? Easter is only a week past and we too have scattered back to our normal routines and often find ourselves hiding from what make us most afraid.
Think for a moment about how normal doubt is. Moses didn’t think God could use him because of his speech impediment. Sarah was convinced she was too old for kids. Jacob couldn’t believe Esau would ever forgive him and Joseph’s brothers were terrified that they would get what they deserved for selling their brother into slavery. Mary asked, “How can I be so favored?” Even in the garden, Jesus prayed, “isn’t there another way for me to succeed?”
Have you ever considered that faith is only necessary if there is first doubt. If something is obvious, provable, and accepted by all, there is no need for faith. In a sense, doubt is the first step toward faith as we wrestle with a two minded approach to what we will accept as truth. It is a natural part of the human component of the two-sided nature of faith. We believe. We doubt. We believe. We doubt. We believe.
Thomas was no different than the other disciples. They had their own doubts or wouldn’t have hidden behind locked doors. Jesus took the same approach with them as he would with Thomas. A week earlier, when they doubted, he told them to look at his hands and feet. John said when they did, they finally believed. And just as their eyes were opened by Jesus’ presence, a week later Thomas had the same gift shared. And now, it is for you and me to walk through the shadow of doubt into the glory of faith.
Thomas’ doubt is famous; and so is ours. We wonder how strongly we believe. We want proof. We are confused when God doesn’t answer as we like. We believe, but we carry doubts. But doubt is necessary for belief, because faith is not based on facts but in ignoring fear.
The English word for “belief” is related to the word “love.” People “believed” the things that they “beloved.” Jesus builds on that concept as he asked his disciples over and over, “do you understand my love?” And then he washed feet. And then he conquered death. God’s love is the basis of our belief. Faith is nothing more than allowing that love to overpower real doubts and fears.
The Holy Spirit (God’s breath of life in our lives) is the gift the allows our mind to move from doubt to faith. Faith is God’s breath being stronger than our doubts. Faith is God’s life being stronger than our weakness. Faith is holding on to a loving God who reaches out to each of us. When John relates that Jesus “breathed on his disciples” it is a powerful reminder that God fills us with his very own breath of life! “Holy CPR!” The breath that Jesus inhaled in a manger and exhaled on a cross is your gift of faith! This is what overpowers fear and doubt, as God’s precious breathing overcomes doubts and fears and empowers our own servant love and faith.
Doubt is the beginning of faith. Fear is only the darkness that precedes Easter’s dawn. Behind locked doors and closed windows of doubt, those disciples were gifted with faith – even though they still couldn’t see what coming next. Faith is the same gift for us – allowing the loving arms of Jesus that reach triumphantly from the cross and tomb and hold on to us, no matter what we fear or face.
Mother Theresa is one that all would certainly feel had faith. How else could she spend 50 years in the emptiness and poverty of Calcutta’s slums? A book titled, “Mother Theresa: Come Be My Light” contains forty years of letters in which she often expresses her own doubts about Christ’s love. This surprised many, but the longer she worked in the slums the more difficult for her faith became, and yet she continued to cling to that faith. Faith became an active choice, not a passive assumption. And so, it is for us.
By the gift of an empty cross and tomb, Jesus healed that distraction with the gift of faith. When we aren’t afraid to admit your frailties, we begin to understand the power of the gift of faith. Doubt is the weakness that God has come to heal with the gift of faith, which is his breath of love in our lives.
The Greek writer Nikos Kazantzakis told about a monk who had long planned to go to Jerusalem to see the Holy Sepulcher. It took 40 years to save enough money but finally he was able to go. As he walked toward Jerusalem, he passed a field where a pale, emaciated man was digging roots out of the ground, He said to the monk, “Good morning, Father. Where are you going?” The monk replied, “I am going to Jerusalem to see where Christ was buried. I am going to march around it three times and pray.” The emaciated man said, “That trip will cost much money.” “Yes,” said the monk, “all my life’s savings.” Then the man asked “Father, why not march around me three times and give me the money so that my wife and children might have food.” And the monk did.
The monk never saw where Christ was buried. But he saw where Christ was alive and living — in other people! Thomas is called the twin. He was of two minds – doubt and faith, side by side. We are the same.
In the 1800’s an English scientist wrote, “well-washed domestic dogs grow dull; they miss the stimulus of fleas. Fleas are a nuisance and it is amazing something so tiny can be so distracting. They don’t keep a dog for being a dog but remind a dog that it is a dog. Faith and doubt have a similar relationship.”
The fleas of doubt nip at our conscience, irritate our assumptions, and disturb our expectations. Likewise doubts get our attention and awaken the need for faith. Rather than fearing that doubt means a weak faith, simply realize you are being honest about your human shortcomings.
Frederick Buechner says “doubts are the ants in our pants of faith,” They are the itches and twitches that keep faith alive, awake, and moving, and keep us from being too self-confident or thinking that we alone are so special that we don’t have daily room for God in our busy lives. Doubts and fears are normal for imperfect, sinful people. Without acknowledging our weakness, it is right to wonder if someone really has faith at all. Faith is believing what we can’t see and knowing that God is stronger than what we can’t control. And when we have doubt, we know we are useless without God!
Don’t fear your doubts, as they are the stirrings of God’s gift of faith. Like raising a dead body from the grave on Easter, faith is what overcomes the confusion of doubt, filling it with the breath of life called faith. Doubt is always the first step toward faith.